Use your words

Have you ever wanted to say something but didn’t know exactly how to get your idea across? You know what you’re feeling or thinking but can’t find the words you need to convey what you mean? Expression is extremely personal and sometimes it’s very difficult to find the perfect words to translate your thoughts and expectations to the person you’re communicating with. This can be extraordinarily important in the wedding planning process. Here are some key points that can help you communicate more effectively with your wedding professionals, your wedding party, and with others in general.

1.       What do you really mean to say?

What is the big idea that you’re trying to get across? When you begin it’s helpful to have an end in mind. When meeting with specific vendors it’s imperative to make your expectations known. I read recently that people can’t be expected to meet an expectation that they don’t know you have. Make a list. What do you want your vendor to know? Take that list when you meet with them so that while you have their full attention you can go over your key points and questions to maximize time and ensure that you’re happy with the outcome of that vendor’s work on your wedding.

2.       What is the other person “hearing”?

While you’re communicating take a moment to think about whether the person is “hearing” what you’re “saying”. Sometimes we’re communicating in a certain style because of our personality or natural inclinations but midstream we realize that the other person doesn’t seem to be “getting it”. I’m reading a book which says that it’s not what we say, it’s what other people hear that matters. Are you communicating in a way that ensures the other person is grasping your main points and expectations? If not, you may need to pause and take a moment to think of a different way to communicate your idea that helps the other person grasp your concept better. With many vendors pictures can also help in this area. Bring photos, magazine clippings, or internet printouts of what you like and what you dislike to ensure you and your vendor have the same mental picture of what you’re asking for.

3.       It’s ok to say, “I don’t understand. Could you explain that to me?”

Especially with vendors that are very creative or very technical you may hear language that you don’t understand. Or they may be communicating a concept that you’re not following. It’s ok to stop them and ask questions. I think many brides fear that they will frustrate a vendor by asking questions. On the contrary, it’s very encouraging when a bride takes the time to be excited, involved and inquisitive. Don’t be afraid to ask for clarification on a concept or process you don’t understand. Investing the extra time to make sure you understand will be beneficial to both you and your vendor.

I once overheard a mother speaking with her small child. The little boy was so excited about what he wanted to tell his Mom that he was having trouble stringing together a sentence. His Mom put her hand on his arm lovingly, looked in his eyes, and said, “It’s ok honey, use your words.” Sometimes adults are the same way, we get so excited that we might have trouble choosing our words to communicate a phenomenal idea. At Treasures it’s our goal to communicate clearly with you and help you understand the entire process involved in selecting, ordering, altering, and wearing your gown. It’ll be helpful to you to set a goal to communicate as effectively as possible with your wedding vendors, guests, family, and those you come in contact with daily. The key point: Use your words.

“It’s legit, commit.”

As a person who thrives on information I like to share with you important lessons I’ve learned through my interaction with brides over the years. Lately we’ve had brides visiting our store with only a few months remaining to their wedding. They’re still shopping for “the dress” and they’re frustrated with their inability to chose “the one”. Often times we hear these brides say, “I’m just really indecisive. I’m the most indecisive person in the world.” Or “I’m just really bad at making decisions.” I really don’t think that is the problem, though. I look at these intelligent, professional, put together women who I know make many decisions per day. They have jobs as teachers, who must make lesson plans and decide how to best communicate ideas in the classroom, or as doctors, who must decide the best course of treatment for many patients, or as professionals. They make decisions about fitness, about finances, about where to live, what to drive, and at the very least what their weekend plans will be. So really, in daily life they take decision making in stride.

So if indecisiveness is not the issue, what is? What makes them afraid to make a decision on a bridal gown? If this article describes you then the question I’d like to gently ask is, “What are you afraid of?” If you can pin down your hesitations about purchasing a gown then others can help you work through any objections, worries, or fears you might have. Clear communication is important. With yourself, with your family, with your bridal party, and ultimately with your future spouse clear communication will save you many headaches and heartaches in the wedding planning process and in life. If you’re worried that the dress you’re considering will look funny once it’s bustled at the reception… pose that question. If you worry that your idea to get away on a tandem bicycle won’t work if you chose to wear a ballgown… bring that up. No one can know what you’re thinking unless you tell them. Sometimes you might just need reassurance or you might need a really important question answered.

Time is not always the magic ingredient in decision making. Many brides facing this problem have been engaged (and dress shopping) for months, sometimes a year or more. If time was the answer to being able to make a quality decision on a wedding dress, they’d have put a checkmark beside “purchase dress” long ago. But more time does not necessarily equate to a better (or easier) decision. And if you run out of time then instead of having every option available to you, your choices quickly narrow to what is available in time and you end up sacrificing in some way. The dress you finally select isn’t really what you imagined, you have to settle on diamond white instead of ivory, or the designer only has a size up from what you really need available before your wedding. When time gets crunched, unfortunately a lot of times so do your expectations. I once read, “Failure to make a decision is a decision.” Such true words those are, along with the thought that if you decline to make a decision, something (or someone) will make it for you. Don’t be afraid to make yourself happy by capitalizing on the privilege of making your own decision.  Other people or circumstances rarely make the decision for us that we would have chosen ourselves.

So if you’ve done your homework, educated yourself on the gown purchasing process, gotten the approval of those closest to you whose opinions you value, and you ask all the questions you come up with then you shouldn’t be afraid to make that decision. Many of our brides tell us that there is no better feeling in the wedding planning process than looking forward to that day, wearing that dress, marrying that man. We see the smile on so many faces once the decision is made and all that’s left is to anticipate wearing that gorgeous gown. It’s beautiful, you feel beautiful in it… it’s legit, commit.

Don’t borrow trouble

Among the best pieces of my advice for brides is to choose vendors for your wedding that you are comfortable with and trust. Do your due diligence in educating yourself about the outcome you want. Choose vendors that have good values, customer service philosophy, appreciate your desired outcome, and make suggestions to help you achieve your wedding related goals. Then place that piece of the wedding in the hands of the professionals you have chosen and make your best attempt not to borrow trouble. Now you might ask, “What do you mean by not borrowing trouble?” Good question. Partly I mean refrain from worrying about outlandishly unlikely potential problems that could possibly arise at some point in time. For example: You probably drive home from work every day. Do you constantly run scenarios of things that could go wrong in traffic? “When I stop at a traffic light someone dressed in a gorilla costume could run up to my car carrying a mattress and fling themselves on top of my vehicle in an attempt to mattress surf when I resume travel to my desired destination!” That’s not a helpful thought process to engage in if your goal is to have stress-free drive time. If you’re gunning for a panic attack, maybe… but not stress-free drive time.

My point is that your florist is probably not going to love fielding phone calls regarding your impending feeling of doom that the country of origin of your dream wedding flower is suddenly going to completely run out of or have their entire crop of said flower demolished just in time for your wedding. That’s not a productive use of time. And honestly, if that happened your florist (if you’ve picked a true professional) will have a plan to save your bridal bouquet from unrestrained ugliness. So don’t spend your precious wedding planning time concocting absurd “what if” scenarios. A volcano most likely will not erupt at your desired honeymoon location, a herd of elephants will most certainly not break loose and ruin your engagement photos (cause face it, elephants would clearly enhance any engagement photo), and *if* you light a floral centerpiece on fire by accident your venue is required by law to have a fire extinguisher handy.

Granted, there are difficulties that may occur during the wedding planning process, but I have help for you there too. One of my mentors encouraged me recently not to waste time worrying because, “You’ll always worry about the wrong thing.” That was the most liberating philosophy about worry that I’d ever heard! You’ll probably have some sort of hiccup in the wedding planning process but if/when a problem surfaces it’s best to realize that every problem has a solution. Energy is best expended in finding a solution or finding the person or company that can help you create a solution instead of lamenting the fact that a problem presented itself. Often if you waste time focusing on the problem you’ll lose valuable time that would bring about a more speedy resolution and minimize your stress level. You need to enjoy the journey and not just the end result of your planning efforts. You only have the opportunity to plan your wedding once and being stressed out of your mind is certainly not the way you want to remember the process. So take a deep breath, curb the conspiracy theories, and remember the key point: Don’t borrow trouble.

“It’s only one day.”

You’re planning a wedding. You’ll get some really good advice. You’ll get some really not so good advice. You’ll get a lot of advice, period. And you’ll get some pieces of the same advice over and over again. One that we hear quite often, and we mean quite, is “It’s only one day.” So let’s talk about it. Most of the time when you hear “It’s only one day” it will be because you’re about to put more emphasis on, or spend more money on something that someone else deems less important than you do. (See our previous blog “Don’t sweat the small stuff, and what is the “small stuff”?” for more about what’s important to you versus what’s important to others.) The well meaning individual will throw in an “It’s only one day” in an attempt to bring you around to their way of thinking. This phrase is also sometimes used in an attempt to calm you down when you’re freaking out. It’s meant to show you that in the grand scheme of things you have the rest of your life to live and that this will be “only one day” in your journey. But seriously…. only?

We get the concept of trying to keep things in perspective. No one is going to die if the ink color on your invitations does not exactly match your bridesmaid dresses. If someone brings their invitation to the wedding and compares it to the bridesmaid dresses that individual has more problems than you can help them with and you should de-friend them… on facebook and in life. You should definitely make every attempt to realize that many decisions you make for your wedding will be preference based and that “life or death” usually does not factor into the wedding experience until it comes to the vows. But when you look back on your wedding do you really think you’ll see it as “only one day”? What about the day you met your fiancé? The day he proposed? The day down the road when you celebrate your 40^th anniversary? Are those just going to be “only one day”?  To us, those seem like pretty important days and your wedding is the foundation of the rest of your life… the beginning of your walk together as man and wife. So instead of dissecting the experience to its base parts, maybe try looking at it as an important piece in the puzzle of life. A day you’ll look back on with only photos and memories as its legacy. Keep your eye on the important overall picture, the wedding day is not the only piece of the puzzle, but it’s a corner piece. Ever lose the corner piece of a puzzle? It ruins the whole thing. So our advice would be, when the wedding starts to seem like the only piece, take a look at the front of the box for a big picture view. But be sure not to misplace the corner piece.